Dating and Marriage

Okay, despite the fear, scams threats, and hullabaloo stated by the media and the innate fear of dating someone via the internet. It works. But don't expect to be 100% successful. It happens, but it comes with a healthy warning. Love and marriage will come to those who work at it. And remember there is a gut feeling about it.

Scams

There are sites that are scams: "pay us money and you can get the wife in the photo" (and the photos are all model quality women), women who are leeches (where they will have many men sending them money), men who are fraudulent (send him money and in return he will get the girl a visa), or the random bride selection.

The Repercussions

A Korean bride site matched a young Vietnamese bride to a Korean man with mental problems, she ended up being beaten and stabbed to death. Article here. A person can witness illegal or scam marriages in Ho Chi Minh City. We witnessed a group of Korean men and VN women going back to a hotel after marriage, it was a large group (about 12), it looked like it was hastily done, and they were in a rush for no one to see them. Because of this, it was surmised that this was an illegal marriage. Many men from other countries find themselves socially inadequate or undesireable in their home country to find an overseas bride looking for a better life.

So in many cases, women from developing countries are being lured into another country in promise of a good life, only to find a place with no support, no help, and in a worst situation. So women be careful.

But women aren't the only ones who should be careful. There are men who are not socially active, or desireable by women in his country (due to shyness, looks, etc.), become a target of affections by an attractive woman. You will chat with her and then the woman will come with a sob story of her being poor and needs money for her or her family. And the man, who in his heart is a 'White Knight', becomes her savior. But more than likely she is talking to many men and getting lots of money. For a promise of a few photos and words that these men want to hear. This can go quite far, the furthest is the sham marriage.

Sham marriages can occur for a woman to get entry into a foreign country where she has family. Or it is something more diabolical than getting past legal difficulties of xenophobic state departments stuck with Cold War mentalities. A man meets a girl from a foreign country, they fall in love quickly, and get married even more quickly, the bride arranges all the details. In SE Asia the tradition is for the man to give money to the bride's parents and gold to the wife in the symbol of thanking the parents for raising the daughter and gold to make sure that if things are financially tough later, they can sell the gold. The type of gold and the amount of money varies from country to country and family to family. Many western men find this repugnant because it is like buying a woman from the family (a form of slavery). The gold can be rented also, it is more symbolic, it should not be significantly large or excessive. If the request is excessive, then as a man, beware. Next a person can book and arrange for catering, entertainment, and flowers and not pay until after the wedding (thus a bride can collect money to pay for these things ahead of time), be careful if money is requested and there are no receipts. And lastly is the red envelopes, in Asian culture red envelopes with money in it is accepted, it helps pay for the wedding. And hopefully after the wedding is paid for there is enough money to help the bride and groom out for a honeymoon or a new house or whatever. Many times one has to ask who will collect and keep the red envelopes, because if family does it, more than likely the family will keep the money.

How can this be a scam?

If the gov't paperwork isn't finalized and the wedding is rushed: the gold, the cash (dowry) to parents, payments of services and goods, and the red envelopes will disappear along with the wife. And a man who that he is in love with a beautiful woman will find himself stuck in a foreign country with little money and broken hearted.

But before you can cluck your tongue and shake your head at the greediness of Asian women. I want to remind you of the women who will marry a rich man only to divorce him and get half of his assets.

Where do you find a nice Asian woman?

In all honesty, despite all the scams and problems, the man who get scammed the worse (as the wedding scenario) do not find a bride via the internet, but at a bar, poolhall, or coffeeshop. If you visit an Asian country and you are in the tourist area you find attractive women in these places. They will be attracted to you, but beware, these are not nice girls, nor do they have a reputation in their own country. Nice girls are usually not there. So how do you meet the nice girls. The nice girls are shy and sincere. They don't want to have a bad reputation by going or working at those places. So they can be courageous by going online.

Why do Asian women want to find a western man?

The reasons are varied why they are looking. More than likely a woman got treated poorly by a bad apple and they look beyond their own culture. So they look online. Plus in some nations, a mixed ethnicity child is considered attractive, smart, and will be successful. Many women in developing nations see men and life in another country as a paradise away from toil, poverty, and not having a family. They marry early in Asia, and if you wait too long, a woman could be considered unmarriable because she could not produce healthy children, or have the benefit of youth to raise them. Again we have many examples contrary to this, but many women do gain a better life.

Why do men want an Asian bride?

Many men in the west find it difficult to date a woman in countries like the USA, Australia, etc. Due to social awkwardness, not meeting set appearance guidelines, etc. He will look elsewhere. (I include myself in this category.) There are many reasons why women are much more selective in western countries (some blame feminism, I don't think that is a fact, even feminists want a mate). I blame the 49% male population to the 51% female population in developed nations. It means that men have to be more competitive to find a woman and many times a man can not find a girlfriend or wife. The percentage of women to men is much higher in developing nations. The exception to this is China, due to traditional values, the high male ratio is found specifically in the countryside not in the cities.

A man that gets no responses on a western dating site, will get many attractive Asian women contacting and chatting with him online. A person who can barely get a date in a western country (me), can have many girlfriends in Asia (me again). It just means getting enough courage to travel or live overseas. (More on that later.)

Are western women threatened by Asian women?

I am not sure about this fact, most of the evidence is anecdoctal. Where Asian women will get threatened by American women. Article here. The reasons of these threats are various: racism (different races shouldn't marry, or so they believe), jealousy (the exotic appearance and small stature, comparically), misconceptions (all the horror stories that the man is being duped and a nice guy is with an unfaithful woman), etc.

Before you label my statements as racist, or ignorant, evaluate your feelings about my marriage. Are you excited or hesitant, and if you are hesitant, ask yourself why. Would you be hesitant if I was marrying a white girl, or a girl from a western nation.

Now to reverse this, many Asian (from Asia) women are jealous and fearful of western women, to the point that they think if a western man has a choice between a white woman and an Asian woman, he will always choose a white woman.

What a western man should know before marrying a woman from Asia

Remember, in Asian culture, the group and the family is more important than the individual. So you are not just marrying a girl, you are also marrying into a family. The idea an Asian girl going against the wishes of the family is unimaginable and any request of the man to do so will make her miserable. So be aware of what the family is like, for they will influence your life and decisions for many years. As a man who wants to marry an Asian girl, you must realize this. But remember, she must balance the priority of being a daughter and being a wife. While she dates she is still a daughter and must obey all wishes of her family. After her marriage (part of the ceremony is her going from her household to your household) she becomes a member of your household, so her top priority is wife and daughter-in-law. But this is confused in many families (including Asian couples) where the wife's priority puts her parents and her siblings higher than you or your family. It is supposed to be the duty of the new daughter-in-law to be in charge of the house in a traditional household.

But many new issues arise which can add conflict when a girl marries a westerner or a male that is perceived to be wealthy. These are undesirable traits that occur and a man has to be careful, this will prove that you are a lower priority to her. Large sums of money disappear from your savings, when he questions it, he finds out she needed to loan money to family or friends in an emergency (with no thoughts of repayment). She prefers to be in her family home than yours, her family and friends abuse your hospitality by staying at your home and eating your food without any reimbursement of any kind.

How will the western man's family react to your marriage

I know of three western mothers of men who married an Asian woman. (I include my own mother to this, sorry mom, but these issues are going to be made public). Many families will react with hesitation because of fear. Fear because of misconceptions and the unknown.

Many misconceptions are: that the new bride will steal all your money, that the new mother-in-law will completely control your entire life, that the family is using you just as a paycheck, the new bride is controlling and is changing the way the son acts and interacts with his family, the new bride is just looking for a green card and will leave the man broken hearted and alone once she has the green card, etc.

Now not all the misconceptions will be unfounded. Many times your family is looking out for the best for you. But the best way to see what is going on is to make many friends in Asia and see how they react to your future bride, they will be much better judges, knowing what is culture (or cultural conflict) and what is not good. Many times the girl will act saintly around your family, but not around your friends, they may let something slip in their native language.
When should you get married?

Many times a marriage is forced because of pressures of family for a better life. The girl does not like the man, but because the family sees it as a paycheck, she will get into a loveless marriage. If you have any hesitations or problems, marriage will not cure them, marriage is not a cure to problems, it just hides them for awhile as both of you are busy getting ready for the wedding.

What problems will occur?

Most problems will occur due to cultural and language differences. Many times both the man and the woman in a couple will assume that their partner will react in a way similar to their culture and get upset when they do something different. You both have to accept and learn about each other's culture and way of life. Language will be another problem, since you and her will be speaking a second language, not all words or concepts of words will be exact. So what you say or what she says, may be upsetting. The solution is to be patient, speak slowly, and make sure everything is understood.

Any other problems occur because of your or her priority to the household, family, or work.

Again marriage or a child is not a solution, so if you think something like that will happen, then think again. If in doubt then don't do it.